Category Archives: Sports

Following ACL Tear, LB Riley Mason Hoping for Long, Pain-Filled Career


Pittsburgh, PA – After suffering a torn ACL in his first career game, Steelers rookie linebacker Riley Mason expressed hope he could return to the field in time for a lengthy, excruciating career.

“I’m hoping for 8, maybe 10 years. It’ll hurt like hell but I’m getting rich on that second contract,” Mason said as he tenderly flexed his injured leg and drank a shake he claimed definitely wasn’t filled with HGH.

The injury occurred when his teammate, Riggs Rigby, rolled into Mason’s knee. Rigby reportedly got up and asked, “You good?” Mason screamed, so Rigby yelled, “He ain’t good!” and beckoned the training staff.

Mason said he had no hard feelings. “I mean, Rig, he’s torn both biceps, had a concussion, half of his ribs have been broken, and he’s still out there. He’s a role model. No way I could be mad at him.”

Steelers officials were optimistic about Mason’s future. General manager Kevin Colbert said, “Mason’s what we like to call a ‘triple threat.’ That means his athletic starting point is so high he can suffer probably three severe injuries and still plug along at least at a journeyman level.”

While Mason’s outstanding athleticism will help, Colbert indicated performing after an injury eventually becomes a “question of pain management,” which is widely accepted football-speak for, “Can he stop acting like such a wuss and hit someone?”

Steelers officials would like to see Mason back on the field early next season. “That old logic, it takes a year to rehab and another year to feel right after an ACL tear? We don’t buy that any more,” head coach Mike Tomlin said. “I mean, think about how much the doctors do to fix these guys. With Mason, they drilled holes in his knee, cut off a piece of tendon from somewhere else, and threaded it through those holes! You can’t beat that!”

Mason said he was up for a pain-filled career, and was already looking forward to future injuries. “I’d really like to diversify my pain, going forward,” Mason said. “Yeah, everybody blows a knee at some point, but I don’t wanna blow too many. I’d be down with a pec injury, maybe drop a barbell on my chest. Or even a concussion—Wes Welker got like eight of those and kept ticking.”

Welker could not be reached for comment because he’d forgotten where his cell phone was, and by the time he found it he’d forgotten what a cell phone was.

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The NFL Is Great. More Would Be Terrible.

“We do think it is the right thing for the game.”—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, in 2011, on lengthening the league’s regular season

“I won’t let it happen.”—new NFL Players Association president Eric Winston, in 2014, on the same idea

Winston, as the newly elected leader of the NFL players’ union, selected an important issue to make his first big promise on; he came down on the right side of it. Goodell, who works for the league’s team owners, has long pushed for expanding the regular season from 16 games to 18. The idea behind the 18-game proposal is that, since the NFL is such a popular sport already, two extra games would boost revenues while giving fans more chances to enjoy the sport. But doing so would harm the league the commissioner aims to promote: His owners would field a weaker game-day product as more of the league’s best players—its starters—fall to injury.

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