Category Archives: Satire

Following ACL Tear, LB Riley Mason Hoping for Long, Pain-Filled Career


Pittsburgh, PA – After suffering a torn ACL in his first career game, Steelers rookie linebacker Riley Mason expressed hope he could return to the field in time for a lengthy, excruciating career.

“I’m hoping for 8, maybe 10 years. It’ll hurt like hell but I’m getting rich on that second contract,” Mason said as he tenderly flexed his injured leg and drank a shake he claimed definitely wasn’t filled with HGH.

The injury occurred when his teammate, Riggs Rigby, rolled into Mason’s knee. Rigby reportedly got up and asked, “You good?” Mason screamed, so Rigby yelled, “He ain’t good!” and beckoned the training staff.

Mason said he had no hard feelings. “I mean, Rig, he’s torn both biceps, had a concussion, half of his ribs have been broken, and he’s still out there. He’s a role model. No way I could be mad at him.”

Steelers officials were optimistic about Mason’s future. General manager Kevin Colbert said, “Mason’s what we like to call a ‘triple threat.’ That means his athletic starting point is so high he can suffer probably three severe injuries and still plug along at least at a journeyman level.”

While Mason’s outstanding athleticism will help, Colbert indicated performing after an injury eventually becomes a “question of pain management,” which is widely accepted football-speak for, “Can he stop acting like such a wuss and hit someone?”

Steelers officials would like to see Mason back on the field early next season. “That old logic, it takes a year to rehab and another year to feel right after an ACL tear? We don’t buy that any more,” head coach Mike Tomlin said. “I mean, think about how much the doctors do to fix these guys. With Mason, they drilled holes in his knee, cut off a piece of tendon from somewhere else, and threaded it through those holes! You can’t beat that!”

Mason said he was up for a pain-filled career, and was already looking forward to future injuries. “I’d really like to diversify my pain, going forward,” Mason said. “Yeah, everybody blows a knee at some point, but I don’t wanna blow too many. I’d be down with a pec injury, maybe drop a barbell on my chest. Or even a concussion—Wes Welker got like eight of those and kept ticking.”

Welker could not be reached for comment because he’d forgotten where his cell phone was, and by the time he found it he’d forgotten what a cell phone was.

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President Trump’s First Hundred Days: A Timeline

January 20, 2017: President Trump is inaugurated. He gives an unscripted five-hour speech that touches on space flight, Hillary the Loser, and his upcoming reality show, Trump in da House.

February 19, 2017: Trump emerges from a four-week post-inauguration sex party in order to announce his long-awaited plan for a barrier along the U.S.-Mexico border. His plan centers on freezing the border in order to construct a gigantic ice wall.

February 22, 2017: Trump announces his gun-control policy: You can own and carry any gun you want if you attend a gun-safety course at Trump University. The course involves shooting at cardboard-cutout terrorists for a couple hours, then going home.

February 23, 2017: Trump in da House premieres. It’s just a live feed of Trump yelling at White House staffers.

March 9, 2017: Controversy erupts after an episode of Trump in da House shows Trump saying he plans to use illegal-immigrant labor to build his ice wall. “I told you Mexico would pay for it,” an underwear-clad Trump is seen yelling at a terrified staffer who came to deliver the day’s presidential pants. Further charges of hypocrisy arise when it’s revealed Trump also plans to staff the wall’s defenses with captured immigrants: They’ll have the choice of deportation or joining the newly formed Night’s Watch and protecting the wall.

March 10, 2017: Trump distracts everyone from the ice-wall controversy by insulting John McCain.

March 17, 2017: Trump hosts Russian leader Vladimir Putin. Things start out amicably, but then Trump catches Putin checking out First Lady Melania Trump. An argument breaks out and devolves into Trump and Putin wrestling shirtless on the White House lawn.

March 20, 2017: After three days, the wrestling match ends in a draw. Trump calls Putin a “fantastic competitor” and sends him home with a bottle of Trump-brand vodka, which Putin ditches in an airport trashcan.

March 30, 2017: George R.R. Martin awakens from his winter slumber and complains that Trump totally stole the ice-wall idea from him. In retaliation, Trump orders that Trump in da House replace that night’s episode of Game of Thrones. The American people become angry.

March 31, 2017: Anger recedes as the American people discuss what Melania wore on last night’s episode of Trump in da House.

April 17, 2017: Trump abolishes the IRS and replaces the tax-return deadline with Trump Day. In response to charges that this will bankrupt the country, Trump says, “Wonderful. Bankruptcy is a great business tool.”

April 18, 2017: The United States goes bankrupt.

April 19, 2017: Trump starts liquidating U.S. assets to sell them off to China. “We’re gonna rip China off so bad,” he says. He begins by selling the U.S. Marine Corps to China for $3 million and a promising basketball player.

April 20, 2017: China uses the USMC to invade and annex California. “We didn’t like California that much anyway,” Trump says. “We won that deal.”

April 25, 2017: The Chinese Republic of California pushes east into Nevada and launches an attack on Trump Hotel Las Vegas. With his own business threatened, an apoplectic Trump sells the U.S. Air Force to Mainland China in order to fund his fight against the Chinese Republic of California.

April 27, 2017: Now facing the Marine Corps and Air Force, U.S. Army and Navy commanders beseech Trump to stop selling off the military. Trump responds by selling both branches to Canada. He then demands Canada defend the United States.

April 28, 2017: Canada politely declines.

April 29, 2017: Trump works out a “fantastic deal, a really great deal” with China whereby the remainder of the United States becomes a Chinese territory with Trump as a puppet dictator.

April 30, 2017: Trump in da House begins broadcasting with Chinese subtitles.

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